I’m not so brave (no pink fluff here)

This poem was originally posted here on the Younger Breast Cancer Network (YBCN) page on Facebook. YBCN is a grassroots support network for younger women (under 50) diagnosed with breast cancer.

I’m not so brave (no pink fluff here).

I was just turned 36 the day
They said, I’m sorry chuck,
But the lump that you came in with
Is cancer. Such shit luck.

I wasn’t listening anyway,
I was in a different world.
I’d just been hit with a ton of crap
And my formerly nice life unfurled.

And I wasn’t very brave you know,
As I sobbed and screamed that day.
Total terror gripped my soul
And I shared it straight away!

None of that stoic, none of that calm,
Shove those “‘its what’s meant to be’,
I was happy to scowl and to tut all day long
“Why did this happen to me?”

And I wasn’t “so brave” because I had treatment,
There wasn’t a choice to be made ,
I bit off their hand at each chance for my life
Thanked God for each treatment they gave.

I asked them to cut me, to poison, to burn
The cancer right out of my being.
And I whined and I cried and was pissed off to hell
As I struggled with pooing and weeing.

And I struggled with eating, and drinking as well,
As everything tasted like shit,
And I struggled with walking and climbing the stairs,
And it even would hurt just to sit.

I struggled with mirrors, and showers and reading,
I struggled with watching TV.
I struggled to talk without hurling abuse
But excelled when feeling sorry for me!

So, yes, I continued to get through each day
To tackle the treatment head first.
I made sure that I did the best that I could
Whilst cancer was doing its worst.

You see, I’m a mum, you see, I’m a daughter,
A friend and a sister and wife.
I MUST do my best to keep myself well,
I must, cos I’ve only one life.

And no, I’m not brave and I’m not so inspiring,
I was dealt a crap hand, fair to say,
But if YOU found yourself in that same position
You’d also have done it my way.

You’d also have made the friends that I’ve made,
As together you walk down this road,
And your heart would have broken, again and again,
As their time in this world shrank and closed.

So yes, I get angry and yes I get bitter
And yes I get pissed off as hell,
But I also enjoy a life full of moments
To live, and to love. Might as well.